Soon I’ll Be a Mother of Two…

As I’m sitting in my office on campus today, I suddenly and overwhelmingly became sad. Like, tears in the corners of my eyes, fast, jittery heart rate sad. Why? Because out of the blue it occurred to me that these are going to be the last few weeks I’ll have in which James is my only baby. Before I can even blink, I’ll be a mother of two.

It was like being hit with a baseball bat. In that random moment it became real. James wouldn’t be my baby anymore. He would be my big boy (who I love more than anything in this world) and I would have to learn to love this new sweet baby with equal fervor without sacrificing anything from him.

It broke my heart.

Guys, James is my baby. My baby.

And yet, at the same time, I’m getting really excited (and nervous and scared) to meet our daughter. It’s this weird paradox where I’m equally heartbroken and joyful about this transition. We are going to have a daughter! Which is incredible! And at the same time, we aren’t going to only have a son anymore, which is making me really weepy.

What is this? Why are these feelings only hitting me now? I’m not a typical pregnant woman. I don’t really nest all that much (unless writing counts as nesting, in which case, I nest a LOT). I don’t particularly enjoy most of being pregnant (except baby kicks and hearing baby heartbeats and things like that). But I am hyper emotional when I’m pregnant (just ask Vince), so why is this only now making my heart ache and wobble?

I think it was the realization that if Firefly (who has a tentative name, but we’re not publicly sharing yet, since James’s name wasn’t officially decided on until he was two days old) came on the same timeline as James, I would have less than a month left with just him. And that feels like no time at all. I also think it’s because she feels so big already, and I’m already finding reasons why having a second baby might impede what I can do with my first baby. I can’t get in the floor and play with him much right now, because of joint, ligament, and back pain. I can’t cuddle him the way I want, because of my gargantuan belly (though he does enjoy sitting in my baddha konasana leg nest). I can’t even let him sleep next to me (which he never really wanted to do until the last few weeks), because without 1,000,000 pillows all around me, my back and hips and shoulders and ribs feel like they’re being pulled apart for the entire next day.

I don’t want to let my baby down by not being only his mommy anymore. I don’t want to lose this special bond I have with him. He is my most favorite person in the whole world. Typing this now, I’m fighting tears, because I don’t even have the words for how special and wonderful and perfect he is, for how his smile makes my heart feel. I feel like I’m betraying him.

And yet, I loved having a brother. I keep reminding myself that I can’t imagine life without my brother, Joey. And that the age difference between James and Firefly won’t be that much bigger than the one between Joey and me. Sure, we fought a lot when we were little, but now he’s one of my best friends, one of my most favorite human beings. I hope that James and his sister will (hopefully) grow into friends who are always there for each other, no matter what.

Guys. So many emotions. Too many emotions. Here’s hoping I can calm myself down a little before Firefly arrives and I have to learn to mother two sweet, perfect babies instead of one.

Photos taken by Shutter and Bloom Photography / Jessica Conley.

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8 thoughts on “Soon I’ll Be a Mother of Two…

  1. To add to your last sentiment shared about siblings: I have 5 siblings and I LOVE it! I was really close with my sister older than me when growing up. I remember when she was in HS marching band we would lie in our beds (which were beside one another in our shared room- we had a SMALL house!) at night with the lights out and talk about summer marching band practice. It is such a small memory but reminds me of the bond she and I had.
    When she moved out I became really close to my sister just younger than me. She is the super silly sister. A total kid at heart! So being best friends with her meant making dance party videos for Youtube. Even though we have been states apart for several years, we are still best friends and try to stay silly and artistic when we are together.
    While it has been challenging to be close to my three youngest siblings, I know that I am a role model for them. Over the years it has been a driving force in pursuing my dreams. I work hard for myself and to reach my goals, but all the while knowing they are watching and seeing that if I can do it, then they can too! And I want to be able to support them in any way I can one day when they cross those bridges.

    Being a younger and older sibling is wonderful! I CANNOT wait to meet y’alls little firefly and to see how much James loves her. He has such a big heart and I am sure he will be up for the challenge of being her strong yet soft older brother.

    ❤ (big big big hug!)

    1. Oh, Lauren, thank you for this. It’s so encouraging! And makes my anxiety a little less daunting. I think a lot of what I’m feeling is hormonal, but still. It’s so great to see other types of siblings flourishing and knowing that, in the long run, I’m giving both of my babies someone to grow up with! Love and miss you. ❤

  2. I’m in the same boat. Due next week, eeek! I was worried that I couldn’t love another baby like I love my George, but I had a realisation not too long ago that George was a part of me and this new baby will be too, so my heart will just expand. I know George’s heart will expand too as he is so loving. I’ve started to look forward to it now. Congratulations to you. Stay positive, you’re going to be an amazing mother of two xxx

    1. Congratulations! I know I’ll love our sweet girl, but at this point it’s just hard to imagine loving anyone like I love my sweet boy. 🙂 I know that will change after she’s born and we adjust to life with two. Thanks for reading!

  3. When you and Vince got married, your new family was just the two of you. You had so much love for just Vince at the time and that was good. Then, you two had James. And your love didn’t transfer from Vince to James, it grew. Your love grew, and it wrapped up and held both Vince and James. When you have little Firefly it’ll be just the same. Your love won’t leave Vince or James and go to her, it’ll grow and grow and that big beautiful heart of yours will grow even bigger and wrap up all three of them. And just like you knew that your mom and dad loved both you and Joey, James will know that you love him just as much as you love that little girl. Sure, I’ve seen “only children” have a hard time with new siblings, but that’s transitory. There’s so much love in your family, Linds, that only good things can come for all of you. Love you.

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