On Being an Individual and Being a Mom

Something has been pressing on me for a while, and I’ve gone back and forth on whether I wanted to write about it. But today, I decided I had to for my own sake. It’s been weighing on me for a few days, so the words have to come out. It all stems from multiple things, the most recent being a photo I posted on a few social media sites of myself three years ago with a caption relating my desire to feel that strong again, and from a photo I posted when I was pregnant with James with a similar sentiment–the desire to take control of my body back and feel good in it again.

14907594_10102204386558844_7964235902555665627_n10427285_10101308751598484_4811012008412949105_n

Why is that once you’re pregnant or have had a child, any comment about wanting to get stronger, lose weight, or gain your confidence back, is met with something like, “You’ve had a baby! Be proud of who you are now!” or “Your new body was earned! Battle scars!” or even, “Yeah right. Once you have a baby, it’s all over.” I’m not saying those comments are wrong, (well, some of them are…) but why can’t we say, “Your body has done a lot–carrying a human inside it and then outside! You should be proud, but if you need to do work to gain back your old confidence, your old strength, and you’re willing to do that work, good for you!” 

When a mom loses her baby weight and gets strong again, we don’t say, “Shame on you. How dare you try and change the body your baby helped create!” No, we say, “Yes! Good for you. Way to go!” But when those of us who struggle (and boy, do I struggle–with weight gain and self confidence and feeling good) say  we want to achieve those same goals, it’s like we’re doing something terrible, something shameful. “How could you want that? Aren’t you happy you have your baby?” Why are those things even in the same thought?

I remember when I was pregnant with James, I posted a picture of myself (see the second picture at the top). I had been working  hard for months to drop so extra weight and gain some muscle. I felt strong and beautiful in that picture and I wanted to feel that way again, independent of my son and my pregnancy after he was born.  (I felt beautiful during that pregnancy, too, but pregnancy only lasts 10 months.) On that photo, I got some of the most hurtful, if well intentioned, comments ever. People told me my child should come first. That it was laughable that I ever thought I’d have time for myself or my own body again. That it was all over and to give up now. They told me looks weren’t everything and I needed to focus on the baby. They told me I should be proud of stretch marks and extra weight and saggy skin. They questioned why I wanted that, why I was thinking about it, and then explained what was wrong about my desires and mindset in a not-so-kind way. I felt such guilt after posting that. How could I want this? What is wrong with me to want this? 

But feeling this way is normal. It is. And you know what? Stretch marks don’t bother me. Saggy skin? Who cares. But when I feel weak, when I feel tired, when I feel like a stranger in my skin? That bothers me. Being too heavy to chase my kid without tiring? That bothers me. When I posted that picture, I was trying to say, “I want to someday feel strong like this again.” It’s been just under two years since I posted that and the comments still hurt my heart, even the well-intentioned ones. (PS. There were a few that said, “I know you how feel” or “You’ll get there” and those were more appreciated than the writers could ever know.)

So now I’m pregnant again. 14 weeks along. And this pregnancy has been HARD. Lots of nausea. Vomiting. Dizziness. Fatigue. Back pain. Leg pain. Hip pain. Bloating. GI issues. And I’m only 14 weeks in. So what do I do? I complain some. I let off some steam, and just like with my desire to someday have a strong, agile body again, I hear things like: “But it’s so worth it!” Of course it is, but that shouldn’t minimize or negate how I feel now.

It’s like once you get pregnant, once you become a mom, your feelings as an individual not only become less important, they become almost taboo. And I’ve been guilty of saying these things to new moms. “The first trimester stinks, but it’s worth it in the end.” “Your body will change drastically, but once you hold your baby, it doesn’t even matter anymore.”

Well, ladies, let me go on the record and say a few things.

  1. If you’re feeling bad about your body–maybe you’re pregnant and uncomfortable with your new shape, maybe you’ve had a baby and don’t know how to function in your new, reshaped skin–that’s OK. You’re allowed to have feelings about your body that are separate from the feelings about your baby. Like me, you love your baby more than your life. And like me, you also want to feel good in your own skin. Those two things are not dependent on each other, no matter what people (myself included) may have said to you in the past.
  2. Saying that you miss your body, or your confidence, or your strength, does not mean you don’t love your child, or that you aren’t proud of what your body did/is doing to create a child. I’m SO PROUD of my body right now, because it’s growing my little firefly babe, and that is AWESOME. I also feel like I’ve betrayed my body, because over the last three-ish years I’ve stopped taking care of it, stopped taking care of myself, and because of that I don’t feel strong or confident or good. I gained a lot more weight than I should have, I lost a lot more muscle mass than I should have, and I lost myself along the way.
  3. Becoming a mom does not mean you have to lose who you are. You are going to change. You have changed. And that NEEDS to happen. But you don’t cease to exist. You don’t become a nonentity whose sole purpose is to change diapers and wipe runny noses. You are still you, just a new you. Maybe that means your new body, postpartum, is perfect for you. Maybe you feel amazing (I hope you do!). But maybe that means you want to change your body some, work on it, work on yourself and your confidence. Do what makes you feel good and confident and strong, not what everyone else says you should do to feel a certain way.
  4. Be a mom. Love your baby (or babies). Dedicate yourself and your life to caring for them. But leave time and energy for you. For who you are. For what you love. For who you want to be.

Three years ago, I was strong and confident and agile, but I didn’t have my son. Two years ago I was pregnant with James and less strong, but still strong, and so happy to be pregnant. One year ago I held James as he recovered, days out of cranial surgery. I was thankful for his health and that I was healthy enough to care for him. And today, I’m pregnant with my firefly baby, but I am not strong. I am not confident. And that has nothing to do with the baby I’m carrying, but everything to do with me, as a human, not as a mom or as a pregnant woman. Just me. 

Sometimes, as moms, it’s hard to differentiate between our mom-selves and our actual selves. So here’s me. 

I am a mother and wife, a daughter and sister.
I am a writer and a lover of books and pens and paper.
I am a yogini whose practice is anything but steady.
I love animals, love trees, love the clouds and the stars.
I worry a lot. I am anxious.
I feel things so deeply, so intensely, it’s painful sometimes, even the good emotions.
I want to feel physically strong and confident.
I am proud of what my body has done to birth one child and carry a second.
I am not comfortable in my own skin (but that doesn’t mean I regret having my babies).
I am a unique entity, not just a caregiver for others.

If you do read this blog, and do decide to comment, instead of telling me all the reasons why I should  feel good in my own skin, instead just tell me about YOU. What do you love? What are your goals? What’s your passion? What do you feel? What do you want to work on or grow in? Because as long as your desires, your goals, your wants are things that will grow you as a person, will enrich your life, they’re not bad or wrong or taboo. They’re part of who you are.

Thanks for reading, if you did. And I hope no one took offense. I also want to say, as a disclaimer, I am not saying in this blog that to be happy one must be thinner or stronger or anything like that. I’m saying I need to feel stronger to feel good. But you, as an individual, need to do whatever it takes to make you feel good, feel healthy, feel like yourselves. ❤

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “On Being an Individual and Being a Mom

  1. (Disclaimer: This is all my own experience and many parts of it will have nothing in common with what you’re experiencing, but maybe some of it will be helpful.)

    A few years back, I was so obsessed with the way that I looked that I thought about it literally hundreds of times a day. I was tired of my pooch of a belly that would just never go away, of my round cheeks that overpowered my face in every picture, of the muffin top that hung over all of my pants. Some of the things I did helped, like going to the gym, eating more veggies, cutting back on soda, that sort of thing, but those things I really disliked about myself didn’t seem to want to go away.

    Then something drastic happened.

    I was working extremely part time at minimum wage, paying for an overpriced apartment and outrageous utilities, bills always coming in, money always going out, and I was only able to afford about a meal and half of food for myself per day. I lost weight terrifyingly fast. At the time, it felt kind of nice to have a flat stomach, to not have chubby cheeks, to not worry about the excess of fat around my waist, to not have places on my body that jiggled. I realized, though, that this was all coming at a terrible price. I was no longer healthy. Where those things were “improving”, other things were suffering horribly. My mind wasn’t as sharp, my hair and skin were dull, I’m sure I was anemic and lacking in so many vitamins and minerals. And, possibly worst of all, I developed a mindset that, despite all of the hard work I had previously put in to losing weight and having a healthier body, all I had to do to get rid of those “ugly” places was to starve a little.

    Not okay.

    After having a “Holy hell, what am I doing to myself?” moment, I realized that it was all about my way of thinking. Before, I wanted to *look* a certain way. Later, I realized I wanted to *feel* a certain way. I wanted to have a clear mind back. I wanted to feel centered and at peace with how my body is being treated. I wanted exercise and food to be fun again, not a punishment I was putting on myself for not looking a certain way. Like you, I wanted to feel strong, even if that meant getting rid of half of my clothes because I’m putting weight back on. I wanted to be healthy for not just myself, but also for my friends and my family who I know care about me.

    Some days, it’s a struggle. We’re constantly being shown pictures of those flat-stomached, well-toned, pretty-faced women and being told that they are the ideal. I daily have to remember to pull my old fears back in and remind myself that it’s more about the mind and less about the body. I am more than a body, I’m a powerful, expansive, creative mind that deserves to be treated well. When I stopped killing myself on treadmills and started going for hikes, my mind improved and my body improved. When I started introducing some of those old foods that I love back into my diet, my mind improved and my body improved. When I told myself that *being* healthy and happy on the inside is better than *looking* healthy and happy on the outside, my mind improved and my body improved.

    Be strong and healthy for yourself. You are so many things. A daughter, a sister, a wife, a mother, a dear friend, but you are also still Lindsey, your own whole self, nothing more and nothing less. You owe it to yourself to be whatever you want, but I hope that whatever you want always makes you happy.

    I love you dearly and will always cheer you on.

    1. I definitely understand. I’ve moved from wanting to LOOK a certain way to wanting to FEEL a certain way, which I don’t yet. I’m so glad you found the path that gives you joy. ❤

  2. You’re so right. When I had my first I was a slim 125lbs, and by the time I gave birth I was 225lb, I was devastated. By the time my boy turned 4 I couldn’t get passed 150lbs, I was stuck, after vigorous exercise I finally made it to 145. I was very proud of my body, I didn’t care that I never lost those additional 20 lbs. Well a short 12 months later I was pregnant again, and thrilled that I only went up to 190lbs with her. By the time my second was 3 again I couldn’t get passed 145lbs yet again. So I finally took the advice of all my friends over the last 9 years and picked up Pilates, and finally got down to my original 125lbs. It was a tough rough, some of it I spent made with my body, proud of my body for all the work it had done, or thrilled with my body for being the best it could be or tiniest it could be. Regardless as to what size I was it was always hard to just be happy with the reflection in the mirror.

    1. I think all any of us can do is to do what’s best for us–emotionally, psychologically, and physically–regardless of what the people around us are saying. Good for you for working hard toward the goals you set for yourself.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s