What is it that makes being SKINNY better than being not skinny? I mean, I know that being overweight can be detrimental to your health, but so can being underweight. Why is it that when a person, more often than not a woman, gains weight, a lot of people around act as if that person should be embarrassed or ashamed?
I remember in high school, thinking I was so fat, and being sure that’s why the boys I liked didn’t like me. Looking back, they may have liked me, they may not have, but I never knew because I was so worried about my weight that I never even told them how I felt. If it weren’t for the fact that Vince and I started dating because we were such good friends first, I know I could have easily ruined our relationship (and almost have many times since) by obsessing over the fact that I wasn’t SKINNY enough, that I was too fat, too ugly (because of the fatness). Even when we got engaged and married, I thought the whole time, “I hate that I’m so fat for these pictures.” (see below)
I don’t remember a time when I didn’t wish I were skinnier. Hotter. Fitter. Sexier. Before we started trying to have James, I was in the best shape of my life and I didn’t even know it. I just looked in the mirror every day and thought, “Maybe SOMEday I’ll look good.” And then I had a baby and ate poorly, and now I weigh so much more. Sometimes I just sit and cry, and think, “I’ve lost the years of my life when I can be skinny and enjoy it, so why even bother?” And then I look at my super hot husband, and I’m overrun with guilt, because he’s super hot, and I can’t fit in my pre-pregnancy jeans.
But then he looks at me, and tells me I’m beautiful. And I see in his eyes that he means it, but I can’t reconcile that truth with the truth that I’ve believed my whole life, and that is SKINNY IS PRETTY.
Which leads me to my very long-winded point. Why do we associate being thin with being beautiful? There are an infinite number of body shapes and types, so why do we think to be beautiful, you have to fit in this very limited category of wearing a certain style of clothes in a certain size? Why can’t I believe my husband when he tells me I’m beautiful unless I can fit into a size 4 jeans? Is it just me? Or is there something fundamentally wrong with the way women are treated and perceived?
To be honest, I’m writing this because I’m EXTREMELY emotional today about my weight, about the fact that that number on the scale isn’t going down and my only jeans aren’t going on. But I hope that by writing this, I can start to talk myself out of these long held beliefs that SKINNY IS BETTER, because it isn’t.
**disclaimer: I am not saying that people shouldn’t strive to be healthy. Eat healthy foods! Exercise! Get lots of water and lots of sleep. But don’t let your weight dictate your worth. And saying all this is more for me than anyone.