James’s surgery is in 8 days. One week and one day from now, this whole thing becomes real.
Until now, I haven’t let myself think about it all that much. I mean, when they scheduled the surgery I had almost a whole month before it had to happen. Now, it’s just over a week. This time next week, I’ll be packing for a week in the hospital with my poor baby.
I could probably still ignore it, except the hospital called today to make sure I knew where to park and had the right day written down and double check our family histories. No big deal, except now I have to actually think about it. I have to admit to myself that this is really going to happen. That my baby, my infant son, is going to ACTUALLY have surgery, and I am ACTUALLY going to have to hold it together during and after so that I can take care of him.
Part of me is worried about the surgery, but I trust our doctor’s, I trust UK Hospital, and mostly I trust that James is in God’s hands and will be just fine, no matter what. But mostly I’m worried about after. I’m worried about seeing James’s sweet face swollen, about hearing his disoriented cries when he wakes from anesthesia, about seeing his pain and discomfort as he heals. The thought of all of this makes me want to take him and run to save him from all of it.
But, logically, I know this surgery is what’s best for him in the long run. I know it’s better that he deals with this discomfort now so that as he ages and grows he won’t have cognitive delays, he won’t get picked on for having an abnormal head shape, and he’ll have a less emotionally painful adolescence. But I want to protect him NOW. I want to keep him from hurting, always. And I know that next week, I’ll have to hand him over to strangers, and that will lead to him hurting.
That being said, a lot of you have asked what you could do for us. You all have no idea how much the love and kind words you’ve shared with us have changed this experience for us. If you still want to do something, keep praying or sending good thoughts. Pray for his doctors, his nurses, and his anesthesiologist. Pray that he recovers quickly, that he isn’t in severe pain or discomfort. Pray that James is better than OK, that he comes out of this with the same joy and energy he goes through every single day with.
Our surgery is October 27th (a Tuesday). We’ll be in the ICU one day, and then in a room for four more days. I’ll post our room and things like that once I know them, if anyone would like to visit (if you’re sick, I have to ask that you don’t come, since he’ll be so delicate after surgery).
I love all of you, and appreciate everyone who’s talked to us, written us, hugged us, and loved on us. It’s helped me through the days I really wanted to take James and run away from the reality of this whole thing. My sweet smiling boy doesn’t talk, but I know he feels that love, too, from your prayers and thoughts and words to us.
In a week and a day, this will be real. Until then, I’m just going to soak up this sweet face, and cherish the las few days I’ll have with him looking this way, without a scar, with his atypical, beautiful head shape, and pray I can remember him like this forever.